why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness
Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. Give it a try. Queen Victoria seems to have written the guidebook for narcissistic mothers. How to Stop the Misery: Decide to change and make a plan. Live each day, and each day do something little for yourself. All Rights Reserved. My mom will call me and say "Are you out with your FRIENDS? I am only 52, have a husband and a more-than-full-time job. I can do everything my husband might want as he wants it done and he can still choose to be unhappy, or he may have underlying depression or anxiety. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others! When you don't let yourself become anxious and stressed trying to make sure that everyone is happy but are still kind, you are caring about yourself and about others. I invited him to pause, imagine he drank the truth serum, and take a chance and share what the real number is. Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. We have to trust that no one will change until they want to be changed. Retrieved Youll feel immediate relief. Do you really believe youre in charge and that your worry can change anything? She'll call me on a Sunday very angry, saying she's been sitting around all day. This dynamic keeps the relationship poorly differentiated. If this is the case with you, figure out how best to express who you are in other areas of your life. Sure, you can provide support and reassurance, but you can't take away the aging process. If you are cold, put on a sweater. It's so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. Caring for others is a character strength. spirituality, My Interview on Oprahs SuperSoul Sunday, Blogs You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). You are not alone in this! AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. Use a little bit of his empty shelf space for a few of your things, finish the show you're watching when he comes in the room, etc. Hi! Validating an emotion doesn't mean that you agree with the other . By studying actual data on happiness, I found out that these are the biggest factors responsible for my happiness: Love Exercising Relaxing Career Friends Family Sleep Hobbies Traveling Health This article will show you exactly why and how I've determined these factors as the biggest influence on my happiness. When someone is selfish, they care about themselves and don't have regard for others (this borders on narcissism, but narcissism involves other traits as well). Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. Only stick around and engage with her when she's being nice to you. @gabbybernstein #spiritjunkie #judgmentdetox, I told her, You cant be responsible for another persons happiness.. Its the same for everyone else too. For example, you can learn to listen instead of interrupting. :). That does not mean being oblivious to their hurt. I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. Behavior like your husband's involves caring about himself but not others. Even if they dont believe, there is a guidance that we believe in that we have to trust is protecting them and guiding them. Likewise, every decision you make is influenced by your family or societal conditioning. Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. You may feel responsible for other people's happiness and/or health. You dont need to feel guilty about a single one. Slowly the relationship becomes a dangerous place where you don't want to share your pain in order not to hurt your partner (because your pain = their problem). This is something I see come up all the time with people who are on a path of spiritual and personal growth Ive done it too. That is unavoidable and natural. These are opportunities to pivot, to hit our knees and fully surrender. Nobody can do it for you. Responsibility allows you to create principles, morals and helps you to lead your life. I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. Shes really struggling. Science and Behavior Books. How to Stop the Misery: Notice your own belief system about change. And through it all, be sure that youre taking loving care of your own energy. sidebar Meg Selig is the author of Changepower! Wouldnt it be wonderful to live from love, compassion, and ease instead of beating yourself up every day? I learned this a long time ago. 2023 HealthyPlace Inc. All Rights Reserved. For the most part, you cant control the actions of other adults, though you may have influence. Modern culture encourages us to think that we are free, independent agents. Accepting others where they are and forgiving them doesnt mean that you let someone walk all over you. How to Stop Taking Responsibility for Others' Happiness, HealthyPlace. Tanya J. Petersonis the author of numerous anxiety self-help books, including The Morning Magic 5-Minute Journal, The Mindful Path Through Anxiety, 101 Ways to Help Stop Anxiety, The 5-Minute Anxiety Relief Journal, The Mindfulness Journal for Anxiety, The Mindfulness Workbook for Anxiety, and Break Free: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 3 steps. When you try to change someone youre effectively saying that you know what is best for them. 3. At least that will help YOU deal with the guilt a bit more. Dont forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heartfilled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. The stories you tell yourself can take on a life of their own, becoming an unending source of anger, self-pity, anxiety, or just plain misery. You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. Children therefore believe that they have a larger impact on their parents' emotions and well-being then they actually do. What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? 4 Ways to Handle It, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer, Mind-Reading and Projecting in Social Anxiety, 12 Lies Anxiety Tells You That Keep You Anxious and Fearful, How to Stop Worrying About Mistakes and Reduce Anxiety, HONcode standard for We need more time. It really is on her to change - if you try to pacify her, it would be very temporary and would enable her to put off making the kind of changes that would really help. Self-acceptance is usually a positive thing, but not if you are using it as an excuse to avoid the work of necessary change. Hi Maria, I also share some resources for anxiety and mental health in this post. We can say, I accept you and I honor you, but I cant be a part of this.. The hard truth is that there was little, if anything, they could have done. You can pray for them to have it be gentle when they hit bottom, and for them to receive very clear direction when it happens. For more guidance on what it truly means to accept and forgive, check out this blog post on forgiveness. I can't handle this on my own. Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. What is the problem with holding a core belief of your pain = my responsibility? A friend was telling me about how she was visiting a very close friend of hers. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. Just know you can choose whether to give it power or let it go. Almost there! When youre experiencing beautiful shifts and miracles, you often want to help others. What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? Make her take responsibility for her own health. When you embrace interdependence, youll be able to live from a place of peace and acceptance. For example, speak out like this: I didnt like it when you said that. The other person will receive your shift in energy and feel released by you. The books listed below helped me so much with what you are talking about. It seems like it is your husband who misunderstands. If you would like to soften (or change) this core belief, share this article with your loved one, so you have a common language and understanding, and set a time to have a mindful, calm talk. Sometimes, it may not feel this way because you often act out of habit and long-standingmental and emotional patterns. I am trying to 'fix' my partner in an uncomfortable way, and when he is unhappy or down, I take it all personally, as if it is a reflection on me. Stop beating yourself up for everything that goes wrong. Dad proceeded to go downhill, falling & breaking his hip in 2014. Someone abused you. The relationship becomes toxic and we become sick from breathing in the fumes everyday. Misery-Maker 2: Judging yourself in a harsh way. Only your mom can make herself happy. She shared that she felt it was a 2 when he said his original 8, and she was actually glad that he admitted openly what she (and I) clearly sensed. When I started reading these books it was like a light went off and I felt like I could breathe. This question has been closed for answers. As a result, you may constantly obsess over another person's circumstances and wellbeing. Another lives miles away but calls her every few days because she knows the friend is lonely and feels sorry for her. Habits do involve thoughts and feelings (very much so), but they also are strongly behavior-oriented. Try the powerful Three Good Things exercise, described here. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? I have zero control over his responses or mental health. You are defining a co-dependent relationship here 100%. Since I'm never good enough, I feel guilty on a daily basisnot that it makes sense, it doesn't. Notice when you are catering to the needs of others. She was queen and would accuse her children of treason if they did anything she didn't like. 6. Curious? Her work can be found on Role Reboot, Alternet, and on her blog: Two Parts Smart-Ass; One Part Wisdom. Upstream, of course she's most content when you are working on your "to-do" list, she feels in control. As an adult, I feel responsible for my wife's happiness. You need to work on setting boundaries and when she starts that crap, leave the room and quit taking it. featured Every one of us has experienced turning points in our lives. Assael trains and lectures internationally about therapy, relationships and improvisation. Its hard not feeling guilty when your mom makes you feel like a bad daughter for not including her in everything. When talking, try sharing your pain, criticism, frustration, or even anger at your partner slowly, in small chunks, pausing to let it be absorbed and digested by your partner. By using this site, you agree to our privacy policy. My parents followed me all around the country until my ex got a job offer in NYC..that's when they moved to FL since they couldn't afford to live back East. (he's in a pretty dark place right now, I'm employed, he's not). Mom wants her room to be over 80 degrees most of the time. So basically, you do understand and are right on. We do everything we can think of to make sure others are happy. He pointed out that I shut off the TV when he comes in, (he hates TV, I love it) I don't change the music I'm listening to when he comes in and I won't even use the shelves he's cleared off as storage for me, instead I pay a storage facility. We believe the responsibility for others happiness rests on our shoulders. 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? Success is staying with them while they cry. Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Its also an indicator of the way our moods can constantly be swinging up and down as externals change. Pick one thing to start with and build from there. This self-talk keeps you from getting the emotional support that you need. No, you are not misunderstanding this! Examples: Why do you always say the wrong thing? Why cant you lose weight? Whats wrong with you?, No, its not your worst enemy saying that; its your own critical inner voice. Recall any times you took responsibility for what yourereallynot responsible for and consider how it impacted you. 4-6 If you have said 'yes' to nearly half you are probably in the process of separating but need to go further. While not perfect, I've gotten better at recognizing when I'm causing my own suffering, then stopping myself and gently switching my mental gears to thoughts and actions that are more productive. When you try to fix someone else, you just get in the way of their potential to experience this miracle. Letting go of over-responsibility will bring relief, acceptance and peace into your life.